Yeilding Control... March 3, 2012

Control. It's a tricky thing: both binding and freeing, simultaniously bringing power and debility. It both calms and evokes fear. It is an object of emmense desire. And as soon as you have it, it has you.

Or so it's gone for me, anyway. I've been in control since... well, ever since I wasn't. I can't even remember a time when I have really let go. As a result, my life is one big bubble of safety. I don't take risks. I never miss a bill payment. I rarely put myself in situations where I don't already know the outcome.

But it's a double-edge sword. While my need for control supports things like independence, leadership, and stability.... it also has me maxed out at 33 years of age, because going any further requires too much risk. 

Don't get me wrong- I have done a great job of convicing myself that I really am quite content with my life. I have meaningful relationships and I know that I help people in my daily interactions. But it's all my own agenda. There's little room for the Lord's will in my life because surrender is not something that is in my vocabulary. Fear of hurt. Fear of failure. Fear of dependence. And when my sense of control is threatened, anxiety sets in.

Recently, the Lord has laid a path before me and I find myself moving towards it, almost against my will. It's almost as though I don't have any choice in the matter. There are days when nothing about the choices I'm making, make any sense at all (according to my own customs) and yet, heals digging in, I keep going. But I do believe that this is the Lord's guidance. The real chore now, is really learning to let go and trust that He will guide me. Learning to trust His promise of provision. 

The funny thing is, I know that I know that I know that whatever plans He has for me faaar outweigh anything I could possibly construct for myself. And when I think about that, alone, the dread leaves and I find myself overcome with pure excitement. And so, friends, if you are reading this- I am asking for your prayers that I go forward, living in the joy he desires for us, resting in his promises.